Monday, April 2, 2012

When things get tough....

I am not sure if EVERYONE has noticed me hiding, or if it's just been my close family and friends, but I have indeed been hiding.

Life has been a little bit more crazier than before....and when I say crazy....I mean me!

In November of last year we started to take care of my second cousin, James. It was both fun and hard at the same time. But this month I decided that I could no longer care for James. It wasn't fair to him or me, so two weeks ago he left to go into another Foster Care home. Because of this,  I went into hiding.

I am not sure if I have ever said this, but I have severe depression. It's something that I have struggled with since high school and I have to take medication regularly to just be able to function and be more "me". This can be hard at time since my body becomes immune to the medication I take and so it seems like we are switching up my medication every 6 months or so. I don't want to go into depth about depression and what's it like, but I just wanted to mention it so you kinda knew what was going on.

The decision to have James go to another home was a hard one for me and I felt like a complete failure. I tried my best to help little James and all that happened was me failing in him. Then realizing after James had left how neglected my children were from me spending so much time and energy with James and then from me not being able to take care of my 3 boys' needs. So combined with the feelings of failure and a bad mom, I went into hiding. I felt bad that I couldn't take care of a little boy who needed help and just wanted a place to belong, but in the end I have finally realized that my first priority is to my children and they didn't have their mom, they only had a shell of their mom and they didn't know what to do. We are now dealing with the after effects and are trying to get behavior and anxiety levels of the boys down so that we can return back to "normal" or as close to normal as we ever were.

I have finally come to accept that I did the best I could for Jame and that is all I could do. It helps to have close family members stand beside me and support me in my decision as well as to hear that James is very happy in his new home! His Foster parents can tell the hard work that we did with James and to know that we did a good job with him while he was in our home. With this I have finally come to peace with my actions and can see that I did do the right thing.

I think having James in our home was one of the hardest things I have ever done. If I could go back and change it, I don't think I would because I think out of this I realized that I was a little stronger and I think James needed to be with us for that period of time as well. We will still be able to see James and have some play dates with him, but it makes me so happy to know that he is happy and "doesn't want to leave" his new home.

Thank you to all my family members and friends who have supported me through this time and I hear every positive note you tell me and it helps me to climb out of my whole one step at a time!


Emily said...

Sounds like you did the right thing for James and for you and your family. I love that you are so open about your struggles, I'm sure there are people out there that can relate and that you are helping by sharing your story about depression. We were in Orem last Sunday and hoped we'd get to see you at church. I miss you!! Hope you are doing better!!

Sara Birch said...

You are such an amazing person to take on so much! I am sure James was blessed for the time he was able to spend in your home. You are so strong to do all that you do (even if you don't feel like you are, you are!).

badlandsquilts said...

Sounds like your time spent with James led him in a positive direction and you should be proud of the effort you made...enjoy your time with your boys.

Mhairi said...

Don't think about what you are no longer doing but what you did. You gave that little boy a memorable Christmas, you supported him and you showed him a normal loving family home from the inside.
Your commitment is amazing and your understanding of the need to find him a new place to allow him to grow and your family to heal is wonderful.
Look after yourself and your family. Hope you find a solution that works for you soon.

Heidi @ Buttons and Butterflies said...

Thinking of you.